“Turn left! Watch out, there is a bomb right next to your elbow!” If you had been on the Father/Son retreat I led out on a farm in Virginia a couple of years ago you would have heard these and similar words as fathers guided their blindfolded sons through a “minefield” as the boys scurried around trying to collect candy. If they bumped into a “mine” then they blew up and lost all their candy. If they did blow up they had to start all over, and worse, another boy would most likely gather their carefully collected stash while they were going back.

This amazing game came from a priest friend. In a very tangible way it teaches what it is like to walk through life. Their fathers and other mentors in their life can see the potential dangers and pitfalls and help the boys avoid them, but only if they listen. The fathers were not allowed to go into the minefield, only to give advice from the sidelines.

This is an important lesson for the fathers as well, you can’t run through and remove or lay over every mine in your son’s way. You have to build a certain level of communication with him and teach him how to avoid the mines, but ultimately you can’t do it for him. He has to learn the life lessons for himself or no matter how hard you try they will never stick.  If he doesn’t trust his father or remains closed to his advice, he is at a huge disadvantage.  But that’s the trick.  How should mentors and fathers offer advice when they see it is needed?

Recently I stayed with a friend who has two sons ages five and seven. In the evening they wanted to play chess.  They got to it after a short dispute over who got to be white, with their dad and I looking over their shoulders. Whenever he or I tried to give advice to one the other would complain, so we stopped giving advice and just watched, making comments only after the play was made, and sometimes correcting if they got the rules wrong or didn’t move out of check correctly.

It was incredibly difficult to see where one of them was making a mistake or missing an opportunity not be able to say anything. Dad got in trouble a couple of times from one brother or the other for giving help. Besides a practice in patience, I learned something very important, telling the boys what to do in a certain case is a band-aid solution but doesn’t teach them how to play better or how to see the dangers or opportunities themselves. One of my greatest mentors in high school used to insist with us that what was important were the principles.

This makes a lot of sense, in giving advice to the boys on the chessboard I could have told the younger one not to move his king to a certain spot, but it would have been better to teach him the principle that it is bad to get stuck with your king alone in a corner, it makes him easier to put in checkmate.  Teaching principles keeps us from nitpicking particulars, which can make our mentoring turn into overreaching, nagging, or doing it for them.

While it is important to correct and guide boys in concrete cases, ‘do this and don’t do that.’ It is better to guide them in principles, because in the end it is the principles they have assimilated that will guide their actions. They have a brain, and teaching principles helps them to use it, to see what is before them and act accordingly.  Unlike the blindfold game, with chess they can see.  The more of the world they see the more they need to be guided by ingrained principles, not just commands.  When you are around to guide the boy you can tell him what to do, but when a father or mentor is not around the principle he has learned from you can still guide him.

If you keep barking commands like he’s blindfolded, he might sense you don’t trust him and give up listening to you, even if you get louder.

So, correct and guide in the moment but don’t forget to connect it to the principle. When your son hits his sister correct him for it but explain why it is wrong and what the principle of action is. Men are supposed to protect and defend the women in their family, and hitting a sister goes directly against that principle. That will teach him what he needs to do not only that time but the next time, and hopefully for the rest of his life.

  • Hey guys. Since we’re talking about guiding our sons/daughters, I’d like to bring up something that bothers a lot of friends of mine. They have sons/daughters who they brought up in the Catholic faith and somehow, as they got older, decided not to continue to practice their faith—go to Mass, say the Rosary or even pray.

    I was listening to someone talk about it this week. He has 2 kids, one who went to a Catholic college, who refuses to go to Church. When pressed by someone else whether or not that bothers him, he surprisingly said “No.” He has faith that the foundation that he instilled in them will one day recover them from being lost. He asks them if they are going to mass and respects their decision to decline. He’s afraid that if he pushes too hard, that they might just decide never to return to the faith, that they will come to hate it. He believes that he can continue to encourage them by showing them the faith through his example.

    Although I understand where he’s coming from, I have a hard time understanding. My position is that as long as you live under my roof, you’re going to come to Mass with us on Sunday’s, you’re going to pray the family rosary daily with us.

    I have seen some of my older kids struggle with their faith. As they got older, they became more knowledgeable and skeptical. I’m sure that there are signposts and warnings that come up that can show parents that their kids are slowly stepping away from the faith and I think that’s where we need to step in.

    Ultimately, faith is a gift from God. I see some parents who really struggle with losing their kids and feeling responsible for it. It’s hard to see this. What do you guys think? What can we do to help?

    • Connor Curley

      I understand where you are coming from, and I think that yes when someone is living under someone else’s roof they must follow the rules of the household (be that child or visitor).

      However, this is not the case with someone merely visiting the household. If when it comes time for grace before meals, it would be unchristian for me to force my visitor to say his blessing the exact way that I say mine (or say it at all). This by the way is not arguing the morality of whether one should pray grace or not, this is simply propriety. Likewise, if my brother who has harbored bad blood between himself and our father comes to visit my house and it is my custom to visit our father every Sunday, I would be making a very grave mistake to FORCE and insist that my visiting brother accompany me. It would turn my brother away not only from my Father permanently, but also turn him away from me. What is 10 times better is always to offer to take him, and not leave my father out of our discussions or pretend that I have forgotten him as well. Our father is part of my life, and if my brother wants no part of him I cannot change that. From my actions I can change his heart towards our father, because love and will is always freely given and cannot be forced.

      As far as those who actually live under your roof, by all means: they go to Church! BUT, it is important to stress to them that you are not forcing them to believe or buy into all those things they see so useless, and provide some sort of platform on which they can explore and discuss these issues.

      Hope this is enlightening!

    • Sam

      I tend to agree with you here. All who dwell in your household need to follow the principles that you as dad and your wife live by. This, at times, may mean putting a little pressure on the kids to attend Mass or to say their prayers when they are reluctant.

      If you don’t go to battle over handing on the faith, what message are you giving to your children who feel like staying at home playing Xbox instead? I don’t believe that every single aspect of the children’s faith needs to be controlled, but up to a certain age parents can’t let them pick an choose.

      It is good to listen to their doubts and concerns, and instruct them in the faith, removing the obstacles, so they can grow. In fact, a few thought provoking questions can be thrown at them every now and then after, for example, watching a movie or reading a book/article together, which forces them to think and defend their faith at their level.

      It is true that faith is a gift from God, but imagine what a heavenly treasure it is if your child looks at you as that gift of God, from whom he/she received the gift of faith.

  • Bob Ewald

    Very true. And it applies not just to parenthood but to teachers, supervisors etc.